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Episode 51
As Thuli was thinking she was still in bed and was covered with blankets, she had completely forgotten that her rumza could be in there as she could not help but start sniffing indicating that she was crying. “Thuli?” her roomza called out as she heard the sniffing sounds. Thuli took a deep breath, wiped her eyes while still under the blankets, made sure her voice was going to sound okay “Yes” she responded to rumza. “are you okay?” rumza asked. “No I am fine, my nose is just blocked that is all, I think I am getting flu” she said trying to convince her roomza.
It was Sunday the day of laundry, roomza woke up made herself breakfast and prepared her laundry. “You not going to do your laundry?” roomza asked Thuli who was still covered with blankets. Without uncovering her self she said “Yes, I will come to the river later”, roomza did not argue with that, she left.
Thuli contined thinking about her misery and cursing the day she was born. Cursing her mother and father. Cursing the death of gogo and cursing the fact that she could not even find love, when she thought she had it because Bonga happened to be her brother. She cursed Mtheza and all the males in the world. She wanted to die and the more she thought about it was the more she felt like it was the only solution. Her death would bring pleasure to most people. And no one would ever have to be worried about her anymore. The more she thought about it was the more all reasons to live faded away. She had to die.
She had heard of people commiting suicide and leaving notes, however she thought she was not going to leave any note, no one would care anyway. To make lives easier for everyone she decided that she was going to hang herself in the nearby forest. She wanted no one to find her, she wanted to rot and dicompose like a piece of rubbish that she felt she was. She felt worthless. She thought that she did not even deserver a proper burial. She was just happy that finally she was going to make everyone’s lives so happy.
The landlord lady was not around, she was at church. Thuli went to the kraal and saw a rope there, she rolled it and took it to her room, put it in a small plastic bag and she left. It was a bit chilly outside but she did not care, she was still wearing pyjamas and no shoes, she did not bother to take a jersey. She did fix her bed though.
Thuli was wearing her 2 piece pj’s with a short sleeve top and the bottom were long. She was not wearing any jersey or shoes. Just holdingthe small plastic bag that had the rope. She had nothing else in her mind expect that she had to die and free the world of her curse. The more she thought about how happy everybody would be when she died was the more she was increasing her spped so she could reach her “destiny” sooner. Before she knew it she was running. She does not know when she started running.
The way to the forest was not going past any houses and she did not come across anyone on the way. The households were Ntombi and others were living was on the view though as you walk to the forest. But it was Sunday morning, people were indoors preparing to go to church, some were in their homes nursing their hang overs. It was really quite.
She got to the forest, she looked around for a suitable tree. She was not thinking of anything else except death. She was not looking around for snakes and did not care if thorns were hurting her. Nothing mattered. As chilly as it was she was not feeling any cold and as thorns and tree branches were pricking and poking her she did not feel any pain at all. She just did not care.
When she saw the tree she sat down, she did not care where she was sitting and made a knot in the rope that she brought. It was quite a tough rope so the knot kept loosening when she tied it. She heard voices in the forest of people she knew, she could tell that on of them was Ntombi’s. For once she listend to something else that was not in her mind. “I think this is a piece of her pj’s, they were this color. Go that way I will look this side.” That was Ntombi’s voice. Thuli thought Ntombi was pointing to her direction. She wondered what they were looking for. “Thuli”, Ntombi called out loudly. Thuli did not say anything, she kept quite, not sure if she should hide or continue or what. So she just sat there and looked at the direction of the voice.
Episode 52
“There you are, how did you get in there? I am coming now my friend. Please don’t do anything” Ntombi said as she could see Thuli. Thuli did not say anything, did not move, just kept sitting where she was sitting. Ntombi was really wondering how Thuli got in there, the tree she was sitting under had thorns all around it. She tried to move the thorns so to make a way. After a few moments she was next to Thuli.
Thuli looked terrible. She was cold and had nasal mucus (imifinya). Her pj’s were thorn and her bare arms and feet were filled with blood as she was bleeding but not heavily. Some scratches from the thorns were on her face. “Thuli?” Ntombi said holding her.
Thuli was not moving or saying anything but the moment Ntombi held her she pulled away. “Leave me alone, you are evil. You and the rest of the world are evil. I am sure you came to see if it is true. Yes I am dying. You came to marry my uncle but you have been abusing me emotionally” Thuli said to Ntombi as she was tempting to run away. Ntombi went after her and held her arms. She could tell that whatever Thuli was saying did not make any sense to her. “I want to help you Thuli.” Ntombi said softly. “No, Bonga is not my boyfrined Vuyi, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hahahaha you are so naughty” Thuli said while to Ntombi who was now 100% confused.
Ntombi could tell that her friend had lost it and was completely out of it. She was not sure if she wanted the other girl whom she was with at the forest to see Thuli like that. So she took the rope from Thuli who was then laughing hysterically and calling her(Ntombi) Vuyiswa. She tied her on the leg and tied the other end of the rope to the tree, she made it very tight. She then was able to convince Thuli to stand there and not move. Ntombi hoped the tie she had made would be strong enough to buy her time. Ntombi went out of the thorns and shouted the name of that girl. “I found her, she is fine, I will tell you later the whole story, but she is okay. She wants to be with me for now, so can you please leave? I will see you later” Ntombi said rushingly. The girl looked lost but she abode and left.
Ntombi quickly ran back to that tree. Thuli was still there, she was talking to the birds as if they were people. Ntombi sat there for a while thinking what she should do. “Thuli we must go back” Ntombi said as she was taking chances. “Go back? Oh how I wish I could go back. You think sisi might take me back?”
Ntombi thought of another plan, she took her phone, luckily the forest was up hill and not very far from the households so there was network. She called bro Vusi. “Vusi I need your help….….Its Thuli…….. I don’t know what is wrong with her… *crying* what am I going to do now?...... I hope you die!” Then she hung up. Ntombi then covered her eyes with both her hand and let out a very loud “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh”. That noise seemed to bring back Thuli just a little bit. She asked softly “Ntombi what is wrong? Why, why, why are you here? Did you leave the party?”
“Thuli the party was yesterday I should be asking you why you are here; with a rope under a tree. Thuli what happened?” Thuli kept quite for a bit and then said “The world is better off without me. You should not have come here so I could finish what I have started” Thuli was sounding sane. Ntombi decided to take advantage of that moment and try to talk some sense into her friend. “Thuli that is not right I tell you. Do you think you are the only one with problems? People are surviving out here with their problems.” Ntombi said in a tough voice.
“I do not have problems, I am the problem” Thuli could feel herself getting back together. “Yho my friend its cold.” She said. “Here take my jacket, at least I am wearing a long sleeve top. My friend believe me, you are not the one with problems. I broke up with bro Vusi this morning”.
Thuli: What? What happened?
Ntombi: I told him I was pregnant and he said I was trouble, he gave me money to do abortion and told me never to call or see him again. That is why he even refused to help me just now”
Thuli: When was that? What help did you need?
Ntombi: just now I called him… never mind. What I am saying girl is please don’t kill yourself, if that is what you were thinking. I still want to hear those stories.
Thuli: But no one loves me, Mr Vaphi wanted to rape me.
Ntombi: He waned what? Why would he do that? I thought the two of you were doing well. And that is not true that non one loves you, I love you. And that guy you always go out with loves you. What about mam Lindi? You always tell me great stories about her, I am sure she loves you. And your brother? Your uncle?
Thuli: *laughing softly* mam Lindi, *smile* she has always been great. She would have been so disappointed.
Ntombi and Thuli talked some more while sitting under that tree. Thuli was not bleeding much and Ntombi had helped her wipe herself up. Ntombi called one of her other friends in the area to bring her clothes in the forest. She came up with a story that she fell in a dam and did not want to be seen like that. The friend brought the clothes and did not have to see Ntombi as she came up with another story.
The 2 girls were then calm. Thuli asked how Ntombi fun her. Ntombi then said she saw Thuli running to the forest wearing pj’s and thought that was odd. She (Ntombi) remembered how she(Thuli) had disappeared from the party the previous day and seeing her running that fast sort of alarmed her(Ntombi). “I ran after you shouting but you did not seem to hear me. I was not that far behind you and Nozbele(the girl I was with earlier) was running with me.”
Thuli was not sure if she was happy or angry that she was discovered. Most of all she realized that she had been out of her mind. She had never thought about suicide before. “We should go. I must take you to the clinic” Ntombi said. “No, I think I want to go home. Just for 2 or 3 days” Thuli said.
The 2 girls stood up. Ntombi helped Thuli as she was not able to walk properly, it seemed like she was pricked by a broken glass, probably when she was still running.
Episode 52a (Ntombi is pregnant?)
When they got to Thuli’s room after she bathed and wore fresh clothes Ntombi told her what happened after the party.
Yesterday at the party I was so drunk. I do not even see you when you left. As a matter of fact I did not know you left and Mtheza was looking for you, but no one seem to had seen where you had disappeared to. Mtheza called you and sent you messages. He was bus saying that he ruined it. But I was drunk and he was drunk too so I don’t know what he was talking about. After some time we all gave up from looking for you.” Ntombi said. “Yhoo that reminds me, where is my phone?” Thuli said searcing for her phone and found it on the bed, in deed there were countless missed calls and messages. She was going to read them later… Ntombi continued with the story
The party went on until around 20:00, people left and I was left with bro Vusi as usual. I never told you my friend but I am actually 3 months pregnant right now. I hadn’t told bro Vusi. I was scared of what he was going to say. But this morning I decided to tell him. He then told me I wanted to ruin his marriage and that I was nothing but a piece of trash. He said all sort of cruel things to me my friend. I could not believe he could say such things. It is not like I wanted him to marry me, I just wanted his input and do whatever he was going to tell me to do. He then instructed me to get the hell out of his house. He threw money at me and said he did not want to touch me because I was dirty. He told me I must abort the child and never bother him again.”
Ntombi was not crying as she was telling the story. Thuli thought Ntombi was strong. “I am sorry, that is horrible. What are you going to do?” Thuli asked. “I don’t know. I still need to think about it” Ntombi then laughed softly “You know last year I was just as innocent as you are” Ntombi said with a smile.” A friend of mine who changed schools told me sugar daddies had money. I live with my grandmother Thuli and we live out of her pension. So having been introduced to bro Vusi life changed. I told my grandma I found a small job and she did not have to worry about my school needs. Bro Vusi took my virginity, but he made it worth wile with the life he made me live. Last year me and my friend were partying strong every weekend till Sunday, even during exams. That is how I failed.”
“But I was not seeing all of that. I have been so stupid Thuli up to today. I am only realising today that bro Vusi had been a terrible part of my life after today. I was nothing to him, I meant absolutely nothing to him. Yazi ntoni, I am sorry I introduced you to him and Mtheza. You were so clever and just amazing and I got jealous. But now I am thinking that it’s not worth it, besides you are a good friend. My marks have improved so much since I have been your friend. If anything were to happen to you it would be a great loss. Think about all those students who come to you when they need explanations. Never doubt that my friend. Whatever that may happen in your life remember that there are people like us who would be lost without you.”
Episode 53
When Thuli was ready to go they then took off to the taxi stop. Along the way to the taxi stop Thuli thought of who she would find home . They would all be home when she got there, however the following day (Monday) malumekazi would be at the clinic, Ndudu would be at school, malume would be gone for the week. Only mam Lindi would be at her home.
“I am not sure I should go” Thuli said. “Eh and then? Why not?” Ntombi asked amazed. “It’s complicated.” Thuli responded. “Thuli you almost killed yourself, you were hurt by the thorns, you were disturbed for a little while, please go home so they can take you to hospital, since you do not want to go to clinic. You can not go to school in this state Thuli.” Ntombi said. Thuli admitted that she had a point. However she felt it would be better if she saw mam Lindi as there were no politics there.
She called mam Lindi “Mam Lindi I am coming to see you today”. “Why child it is Sunday, there is school tomorrow.” “I will explain when I get there.” Thuli said in a tired voice. Mam Lindi said it was okay, and that she was always welcome at her (mam Lindi’s) home.
Thuli arrived at mam Lindi’s around 2pm and she found mam Lindi busy with mealies because it was harvesting time. The moment mam Lindi saw Thuli she ran to her “Child, what happened to you? Are you okay?” Thuli just started crying and mam Lindi took her in her arms. “It is okay my child, everything will be alright. Lets go inside.” They went inside the house.
Mam Lindi could not believe what she saw, Thuli’s face was filled with minor scratches, some of them were open and they were reddish in color, her hands were hurt too and even though Thuli was wearing a jacket mam Lindi could tell that the scratches on her hands went all the way up the arms. Mam Lindi wondered what happened to her genius child. She sat there in front of Thuli watching her as Thuli was wiping away tears. Mam Lindi brought her some water to drink. She was starting to get angry as she imagined that a person was responsible for all the scratches on Thuli’s face. Thuli was not even walking properly because of a wound on her foot. After Thuli was calm mam Lindi asked her if she wanted to go to the dr first or what? Thuli asked if she could see a dr.
Mam Lindi did not say much, she just organised a baakie from he neighbour to take them to hospital. She somehow sensed that there was more to what was happening to Thuli than what she could see. They drove to Ixolo hospital Emergency Room which was famous for good service and was not so far away. In hospital Thuli was examined and given stitches under her foot. The doctor spoke to her in private as she was old enough for that.
Thuli understood that she had to tell the doctor everything for her own health. Her mind could have been back but she did not know how long would it take for it to once again take a vacation. Even if it was for a few minutes like earlier that day she still thought she just can’t afford to lose it like she did. So she told the dr that she tried to commit suicide earlier and that her mind sort of dozed off for some minutes.
There was no social worker that was on duty because it was Sunday and already after 5. After doctor heard Thuli’’s story he announced that he was going to admit Thuli so she could be under the watchful eye of nurses the whole night and she could see the social worker the following morning, The doctor however kept the information about suicide from mam Lindi. Mam Lindi and the baakie guy left Thuli in hospital; mam Lindi told her she was going to come the following day.
When Thuli was lying in the hospital bed all the depressing thought came back, she started to cry once again but was swearing that she would not try to take her life ever again. When one of the nurses saw her crying they asked what was wrong and she said she could not sleep. They gave her sleeping pills and she dozed off.
The following morning the social worker saw her. She(Thuli) told the social worker everything. Her whole life story, about gogo, Nomsa, Nomzi, Bonga, her unknown father, the stuff about Mtheza and that she almost killed herself. She explained that her life was unbearable and she just felt like she did not deserve to live on this world. The social worker listened attentively then when Thuli was done she complimented her(Thuli) that she(social worker) felt that Thuli was strong and very brave; only a few patients could open up like that on their very first session. She told her that it seemed that Thuli understood how important it was for her to talk about her troubles and that it was a good step forward.
The social worker explained to her that there are other things good in life, besides family and love. While one aspect of your life is not working out and it is something you can do nothing about, you need to focus on something else that is going well instead of worrying about the situations you can not help. She made an example to Thuli that she (Thuli) was doing great on her studies. She needed to focus on that and all the good things that come with being at school, like helping others etc.
Lucky for Thuli there were not so many patients that needed the social worker that day, so they took a good 2 hours in there. After the session the social worker told Thuli that she thought she was good to go. She did give her some medication for her brain that she(Thuli) was to take for a few days. She also recommended a follow up session after a week, preferable on Saturday. She suggested that Thuli took Monday and Tuesday off just to relax and sort of reboot. She would only go to school on Wednesday
She was going to be discharged that day and mam Lindi had been planning to come see her anyway. So at around 11 mam Lindi came to the hospital and she was with Nomzi
Episode 54
Thuli was already dressed to go as she was told that she was going to be discharged that day. But mam Lindi and Nomzi had brought her fresh clothes. They took her home and Thuli asked if she could go with mam Lindi. At this point she did not care how Nomzi would feel about that. She only cared about her well being. For once she put her own feelings first. Mam Lindi was very nice to her and made sure she relaxed, she did everything for her and told her everything was going to be alright.
Thuli went back to school, she was worried that Ntombi could have told everyone about what happened over the weekend, after all Ntombi was a Mamgobhozi. But when she got there she was surprised when everybody was asking her what had happened to her face and hands. She came up with a story and Ntombi helped her lie to other students. Thuli was surprised that Ntombi did not gossip about her.
After that Ntombi also was a changed person, she was no longer going out on weekends, being without bro Vusi also meant that there was no more money, so she was now just a normal student. Thuli and Ntombi encouraged each other that things would be okay and that they should study so they could make a better life for themselves. Needless to say Ntombi went on with the abortion. Thuli was there telling her that if it was what she felt was best for her then she must go for it.
Thuli told herself that she was on her own in this world. She would still contact her mother, uncle and brother occasionally but she made sure she did not rely on them. June holidays came and Thuli went to her home then to her mother for few days, then she went to visit Ntombi for the rest of the holidays. Staying at her home was depressing because Nomzi spoke a lot and she knew that Nomsa did not like it when Thuli stayed at her home. So she would just stay a bit.
The year went past, Thuli still had no boyfriend and Mtheza never really contacted her again. And fortunately he did not try to sabotage her in any way while she was still at school. Ntombi had found herself a boyfriend at that school. Thuli had dismissed the thoughts of looking for her father all together. Bonga was not doing anything on his side as well, but they were still friends. Oh and Ntombi and Thuli never really talked about the incidents of the forest…
Even 2007 then it was 2008 when Thuli was then in Matric, still no boyfriend, still doing the same thing of not staying at her home for longer times. But 2008 Easter holidays Ntombi said she wanted to visit Thuli’s home for a change. Thuli said that was okay but she would have to confirm with her family first. So a month before Easters Thuli went home to Umzimkhulu. As usual everyone was there, even Ndudu who was in high school that was nearby was there. Thuli went to put her bag in her bedroom. She found that the bedding was changed, there were photos of her little cousin sister (Sanele then 4 year old daughter). There wasn’t another bed in this bedroom as it always had been Nomsa’s
“Malumekazi is Lulu sleeping with me?” Thuli asked puzzled “No mshana, she is still sleeping in our bedroom. But I thought since you no longer come back that much and when you are back you stay for a few days that I should prepare that room for Lulu.” Thuli laughed a little bit. She could not believe what Nomzi had done. Now she was practically homeless. She thought about the promise she had made to Ntombi that Ntombi would visit her during holidays. Where was Ntombi going to sleep if she (Thuli) no longer had a bedroom. Under normal circumstances this would not be a problem because like in any family, when Lulu grew up she would have been expected to sleep with Thulu if there were no extra bedrooms. But this was not normal circumstance, Thuli was just being chased out. Her own bedroom had been personalised to suit Lulu.
She thought of going to Nomsa at Mthatha but remembered that the moment she starts talking about how disappointed she(Thuli) was at what her malumakazi did then Noms would remind her that she(Thuli) was supposed to be living with her(Nomsa) anyway. And that was impossible because at that time Nomsa had a 2 year old child. Ever since that child had been born Thuli rarely went to visit her mother. So there was no choice for Thuli, she had to tell Ntombi that there wasn’t going to be any visit. Ntombi was okay with that and understood so they attended
Let me mention that ever since Sanele had a wife he rarely took notice of Thuli, he sort of just let Nomzi take care of everything. But they were still close with Thuli, but not like they were when she was younger.
Thuli tried to not let the new arrangement at home get to her. She could tell that she was overreacting, but she could not shake the feeling that what was happening was bad and took away the only little bit of belonging that was left within her.
Episode 55
During Easter holidays Thuli and her classmates were told that there were going to be classes for the rest of the holidays. Thuli was happy to hear the new cause it meant then she did not have to go home. June holidays she went to winter school and only went to her home for a few days. All she was looking forward to was a time when she was old enough to have her own place that she could call home. That was her goal in life. She was tired of being a person who does not belong anywhere.
After matric Thuli had decided to study in Pretoria. She liked Pretoria because it was really far from family and she would just stay there and come back only like 2 times a year. Her study fees were not going to be a problem, gogo had left funds for her and Ndudu, and those funds were then invested right after gogo’s death. So the first and maybe the second year would be covered for Thuli’s studies.
So as they were waiting for results Thuli was at her home. She spent most of her days at mam Lindi. Sanele and Nomzi frowned at this. Thuli wished she could explain to them, especially her uncle how she was feeling, but she thought that was only going to make things worse as malume would feel like he was not doing a great job being a guardian to her. And that was not the case. Thuli understood that Sanele was a man and as there was Nomzi in the house then he had to take a step back when it comes to most matters concerning raising children.
Thuli loved her malume so much and he was like a father to her even though she rarely saw him. So Thuli just decided that she would show her malume love every chance she got and she was clever enough to make an impression that she was more comfortable at mam Lindi’s because most of the friends who she grew up with were there. Bonga by the way was then studying in Durban. Malume always said Thuli should do what made her happy and he always told her that he was available whenever she needed an advice. Thuli however found it difficult to ask advices from malume.
Anyway, the results came and as expected Thuli had done exceptionally well. Every subject was a distinction; she was the top student at Senyukele SSS class of 2008. Everyone was very proud of her and well lucky for her she got a bursary which she had not even applied for because of her good results. Life was turning out to be really great for her. Things were happening for her thanks to using the advice from hospital which said she should learn to focus on the good things in her life. So then it was time for University, Tukkies (University of Pretoria) was her choice. It was all good.
She lived in a school residential area that was in Arcadia and used the varsity bus to go to school, she was living in a single room. Her mother had advised her to re-invest the money from gogo so she would use in the future and Thuli went with the idea but put some of it in a 30 day Account for times of need. She did that just in case, because the bursary was giving her an allowance as well. Thuli imagined that she was in for a good life, who needed a father then?
University life was not as easy for young Thuli at first; it was not like high school at all. Now she was really by herself. There was no mastandi(landlord) to put her on the correct path when she was astray, there was absolutely no one to take care of the child in her. But she decided that she was an 18 year old girl and was going to take care of herself. However she got home sick and to think that home was so far away freaked her out. For the first few weeks she was regretting coming so far away from home all by herself. She did not know anyone in PTA, it was just her against the world. But in no time she got used to some of her neighbours at res and a few students from her class and in a few weeks/months she would be having people watching the Generations soapie in her tv.
In March just about two weeks before the Easter break. The day was Thursday Thuli was called by Nomsa to come back home, there was something urgent going on. Nomsa told her that she had already deposited money for Thuli to book a bus immediately. Thuli explained to her mother that she could not just leave school. Nomsa told Thuli then that it was okay if she came home the following week on Wednesday or Thursday. Thuli did not ask a lot of questions after that and said she would go home the following week and did not think at all of what was the reason to be called. Nomsa was some character, she(Nomsa) could be having one of her moments. Thuli thought as she went home the following week
Episode 56
On the way home Thuli just thought that Nomsa was probably causing a scene once again with the family and wanted her (Thuli) to be there to defend her. So she was prepared to resolve whatever issue that her mother might have caused. She just hoped that she would not find things out of hand. She wondered though what it was about. It was strange that neither Sanele nor mam Lindi had called her to talk to her about it. Oh well she would just have to see when she got there.
She got to Mzimkhulu town in the early hours of the morning and waited there until the break of dawn. It was on Friday. Lucky for her there was one van in town that was going to her area that morning so she got a ride earlier than she thought and then she was on her way home.
She saw her home from afar and saw that someone was probably cooking something outside because she saw the smoke. She wondered why would Nomzi or Nomsa be cooking that early in the morning and cooking outdoors for that matter. She imagined that they probably fought and maybe Nomsa did not want to eat the food cooked by Nomzi, you could never be sure when Nomsa (Thuli’s mom) was around and Nomzi on the other hand was suffering from verbal diarrhea; so the two of them combined was just a recipe for disaster. When she got nearer she saw women from Methodist church which was her family church. These women were going to her home. She wondered what they were doing there.
She got to the gate and saw that there were a lot of people in the yard, she went in regardless, she followed the church women and they went in the kitchen rondavel. She went in with them already singing along with them.
When she got there her eyes started to wander about the room, she was sure that someone died. There was a candle and a moaner that was covered in blanket so she could not tell who it was. While she was still looking and wondering what had happened she heard mam Lindi calling her, “come here” mam Lindi said while gently patting her (Thuli) on the shoulder. Thuli left the singing people and went with mam Lindi to the sitting room.
“Thulisile” mam Lindi said to her gentle.,Thuli listened attentively. Then mam Lindi tried very hard to put the news in the most polite way she could imagine. The news was that Sanele had been involved in a car accident the previous week on Wednesday when he and other colleagues were coming from a memorial service. Unfortunately he did not make it. Nomsa was there too and she had been there since Wednesday night because she (Nomsa) came as soon as she heard the news. But that morning Nomsa and Ndudu had taken an early transport to Umzimkulu town to sort out some things since the funeral was already the following day.
Thuli heard the news and she noticed that she was sitting on the exact same spot she was sitting on when she was told the same kind of news about gogo many years ago (many years awent). She took a very deep breath, a lump closed her throat. She tried to talk but words did not come out. Next thing her face began to feel really hot then tears started flowing down her eyes. In her head she was not thinking about the bad things that may arise with the death of her uncle, she was just feeling sorry that her uncle died while he was only in his 30’s.
Mam Lindi hugged her and let her cry on her chest. Thuli was not screaming, she was crying softly, then after a few minutes she became calm. Mam Lindi suggested that she (mam Lindi) made her (Thuli) breakfast. Thuli was okay with that and just felt it was okay to be left alone for a moment. When she was alone she started to think that this was her very first time she was coming home from PTA. Sanele was planning to buy a car that Easter and they had been talking about how fun it would be when he would go to fetch her from town and so she would not have to wait at Malanda garage for break of dawn after getting off the bus. It was so unfortunate that he was then gone. But what else could she do? She felt like screaming but then thought how that would not change anything.
She was unable to eat her breakfast and so she decided to call Bonga instead. Bonga had already heard from his grand ma, but he had agreed not to tell Thuli since she was still at school at the time. So he tried to console her, then he told her that he was also going to come to the funeral. At around 11am Vuyiswa (her old friend and neighbour) also came to spend some time with her (Thuli). Vuyi was having a gap year that year due to financial reasons so she had been around since the whole thing had begun. The two of them were not as close as they were when they were younger, but they were still close.
Most relatives were there and they were helping out with the preparations for the funeral. Mam Lindi told Thuli and Vuyi that they could relax and they did not have to do anything since Thuli could have been tired from the journey. So the girls started chatting and Thuli told Vuyi that she could actually register at a University of Technology for the following semester using the NSFAS, and that they could both be in PTA if Vuyi wanted to go to PTA. The girls also talked about boyfriends, Vuyi was surprised that even at 18 Thuli still did not want any boyfriend. And at that time it sounded like there was even more fear in Thuli’s statements when she talked about how she did not want a boyfriend.
Anyway the day went past and in the afternoon the undertakers brought Sanele’s body. Nomsa and Nduduzo were with them, it was so sad for the family. Most of the people were crying, even community people because Sanele had been such a great person and a very good neighbour. Thuli felt really sorry for Nomzi that she now had to carry the burden of gogo’s family by herself. Thuli hoped that Nomzi would have the strength. Thuli was willing to help in anyway she could. When she got a chance she did tell that to Nomzi who was very devastated. Nomzi’s voice was gone and she (Nomzi) looked tired. Thuli could tell that she had been crying a lot. And she (Nomzi) had even lost weight. Thuli could not help but sheared a tear at this site of her bubbly malumekazi.
Bonga arrived in the evening for the mlindelo but he got there earlier before mlindelo started and so he and Thuli had some time to chat. After the greetings and condolences Bonga said. “You know I see my mother regularly now that I am in Durban.” “Wow that is nice Bonga, it must mean a lot to you” Thuli said. “Yes, it was harder last year when I started studying in Durban because dad (step dad) and I still had issues from when I was still a boy. But after some time we sorted out our differences, besides it was not like I was living there. I only went there like once in a while.” Bonga said.
He continued to say “anyway while I was in Durban I discovered something that I think maybe you might be interested in
Episode 57
Thuli: Heh I wonder that is
Bonga: Well it is something me and my mom have been talking about for sometime now.
Thuli: Hayi Bonga, now I am not sure I want to know what it is. Are you sure that it is something I am ready to hear?
Bonga: Mm, now that you say it. Let’s do like this, we will talk after the funeral. After all you are not going back to school until the holidays are over right?
Thuli: That is right.
The Easter holidays were going to begin just the following Wednesday and Thuli did not have anything major that she needed to do before schools closed. So she had decided to just spend the holiday anyway.
The funeral went well. It was packed with gogo’s friends, Sanele’s friends and colleagues, teachers from other school, nurses that know Nomzi. And a lot of other people. Everyone seemed deeply hurt with the passing away of Sanele. Thuli was however very calm. She was too calm that mam Lindi and another closer family member started to wonder if she was okay. Everyone had expected her to freak out and go crazy because she had been really close to Sanele. But to their surprise Thuli seemed okay. The only time she was spotted crying was the previous day on Friday when the news were broken to her.
After the funeral the things were going well with Mjilo’s. Nomsa and Nomzi seemed to be getting along while all the other close relatives were still there. Thuli was just holding her breath because she knew that with those 2 around sh*t could hit the fan any second. Thinking that they had been together for almost 2 weeks already without any drama (not that Thuli knew anyway because she just got there). It was only a matter of time. But fortunately Nomsa left on Monday without any drama.
A few days after the funeral mam Lindi called Thuli and asked how she was feeling, Thuli said she was fine , mam Lindi asked if she was feeling sad at all “Yes mam Lindi, I am sad” she said very casually. Mam Lindi had always known Thuli to be emotional, and the way Thuli had been behaving was seriously out of character. Thuli on the other hand did not see anything wrong with herself. She was sad that her uncle was gone too soon, she felt sorry for her family. And that was it. She did not think about anything else.
Bonga came to see her the following Wednesday after he himself was back from school. “You have taken the news of your uncle very lightly Thuli, it is so unlike you” Bonga said “Why does everyone keep saying that? I am fine!” Thuli said while shouting. “It is like everyone just want me to cry! Like I haven’t cried enough already in my entire life! Bonga all these things are happening to me! It is like they are meant to happen to me. I have taught myself to just get used to them and take them as they come. After all it seems like it is in my nature to get hurt! I will not allow myself to get hurt! Ever again!” She said as she left the sitting room where she and Bonga had been sitting.
She went all the way outside the gate and found herself a place where she sat. It was like Bonga had triggered her emotions. Her mind started to race and she thought of how the death of Sanele was going to affect her. She was technically and practically fatherless. Nomzi had been quite ever since she (Thuli) got there. Thuli had assumed that Nomzi was not feeling well. But sooner or later Nomzi would be okay and how will the things be then? Nomzi had already sort of chased Thuli outside her bedroom so that it would be used by Lulu. What would Nomzi do now that Sanele was gone and Nomzi was actually the current home owner.
Thuli could only imagine the worst things. She assumed that going to gogo’s house would rarely be an option from there onwards. She would only go there to visit. Thuli would also visit mam Lindi and Nomsa. Where would she go when she goes home? There was no answer in her head to that question. “I am homeless’ she thought. She got worried about Ndudu who was doing grade 11. What was going to happen to him? Ndudu was studying at a nearby high school and was using organised transport everyday to go to school. So Nduduzo was staying at home with Nomzi. The 2 of them got along very well. Thuli wondered if the things would stay the same now that Sanele was gone. Thuli hoped for the best.
She however just did not have tears to cry. She was also starting to think that maybe there was something wrong with her. How could she not cry while she loved her uncle so much. But there were no tears.
“Where are you? I am looking for you” was the sms she got from Bonga. She remembered how she had left him there. Well she went back to her home and told Bonga he could leave and that they would talk the following day. The following day Thuli went to mam Lindi’s house to take back some stuff they had been using during the funeral preparations. Then she went to see Bonga. After greetings Thuli said she was ready to hear whatever he had to say.
“I had just confirmed with my mother, and her story matches your mother’s. My mom said the reason why she always thought getting pregnant with me was a mistake was because she got jealous of your mother for getting pregnant and so she fooled Thami into getting herself pregnant. My mom said she was young and stupid and though that since she had been with the Thami guy longer he would stick by her. He stuck by only for a few months and then suddenly turned against her. Even though Thami had admitted the pregnancy to his family, after they broke up with my mother he never contacted her again and made sure my mother never got hold of him. My mom then had to stop her nursing for a while; while I was a baby then when I was a year old she took me to Durban where she stayed with me until she got married when I was 3 years old. She had never contacted my father, ever!
“However my mom did have some useful information about Thami thatwe can use to find him.” Bonga said as he was talking. “Thuli are you okay?” Bonga said as he was looking at Thuli. She had gone blank. She was just staring in one place and not saying anything. “Thuli can you hear me?” he said while shaking her gently on the shoulder. “Bonga, this Thami person is a bad person” Thuli said soflty as if she was someone who just woke up from a dream. “yes he is” Bonga said casually and while still talking Thuli interrupted. “No Bonga, not just bad, but like terrible bad. Like devil bad. I do not want anything that associates me with him, sorry. I am sorry Bonga. I don’t want to know anything else about him”
Episode 58
“Okay, I understand how you feel. I on the other hand I just got more interested in looking for him. If you ever change your mind just call me” Bonga said as he was not prepared to tell Thuli what she did not want to know. Thuli said that was okay, and so she went back to her home.
Things back at home were a bit tense because Nomzi was still not talking much. At first Thuli assumed it was because of the tradition of moaning and since it hadn’t been more than 10 days after the funeral. But there wasn’t supposed to be a problem when Nomzi was around them (Thuli, Ndudu and mam Lindi). Nomzi was not supposed to be that reserved around them. But Nomzi locked herself in her room and rarely spoke to anyone. When she did go to the kitchen she would just take whatever she needed and leave again without saying anything to anyone. Thuli was going to leave for school in a few days, she felt sorry for Ndudu and Lulu who were going to be left with Nomzi.
One of mam Lindi’s children was living at home so mam Lindi had offered to stay around gogo’s house until Nomzi got back on her feet. This was going to be even more helpful after the schools re-open because it would be hard for Ndudu to come back from school and cook. Thuli also offered to stay a few days after the schools re-open, just so mam Lindi could have a small break. Mam Lindi and Thuli were talking about this on a Saturday as the schools were going to be reopened the following Tuesday. Thuli was then to leave on that following weekend.
“No need for that.” Nomzi said as she seemed like she overheard them talking. Nomzi got in the kitchen as well. This was the first time Nomzi had got in the kitchen and actually spoke to people she found there. “Have you forgotten that there is a helper that I hired?” Nomzi said to Thuli and Mam Lindi who were still amazed. “No makoti, we were just looking at ways in which we can hel…” mam Lindi did not finish that sentence. “No I do not need your help. I have been running this house hold ever since I got here, nothing has changed. Thuli you need to get back to school, mam Lindi you have your own house that you should take care of. I, Ndudu and Lulu will be just fine”.
Thuli was just relieved that her malumekazi was at least talking, even though she (Nomzi) was being strange. At that point mam Lindi said she needed to do her laundry and she left. Thuli also announced that she was going to leave the following day (Sunday) to PTA using a taxi. Ndudu was not in the yard at the time. So Nomzi called his(Ndudu) phone and asked him to go tell the lady who was helping that she (helper) needed to start when the schools re-open.
Thuli saw that things were in control and her presence were really not that much required. She felt at ease about leaving the following day. Which she did. And she was on her way back to PTA.
Let me mention that it was not like there were no guys that wanted Thuli as a girlfriend, but she never even gave them a chance to talk whatever they wanted to say, however there was one guy who was studying at Tuks as well and who was from Mthatha. After this guy was unlucky in trying to get Thuli as a girlfriend he opted for the friend zone. Thuli had no problem with frinedzoning the guy. And so they were friends, but not close friends… Just keep that in mind… Moving on…
When Thuli got back to PTA she realised that most of the Mjilo people were worried about the state Nomzi was in. Thuli told them that her hands were tied because she was at school, Nomsa as well had to be at school. Mam Lindi did offer to go to gogo’s house once in a while just to see. But after a few weeks after Nomzi had gone back to clinic mam Lindi announced that Nomzi said that she (Nomzi) was not a child and did not need to be baby sat. Mam Lindi then announced that she has reduced her visits. Thuli just hoped Ndudu would be fine in all of that. But over the phone Ndudu sounded fine. By the way he was then 16 years old.
The weeks went by, Thuli was close to neighbours and normally the girls would watch Generations and other tv programmes on one another’s rooms. They also liked watching Khumbulekhaya and they never missed an episode. None of these girls that Thuli was friends with at res were into grooving, they were all first years and all of them were coming from rural areas. Only one of them had drank alcohol when she had been invited to some party. But no one was interested in that kind of a thing. The girls just studied and that was it.
“We are going to be chilling at the parking lot this weekend, well like we always do every weekend. You and your friends should come.” The boy who was friends with Thuli said. His name was Wanda by the way. “Ahh you guys just sit there and drink alcohol, me and my friends do not drink.” Thuli said, they were in a bus from school to the res. “That is okay, you guys can come with your cokes and your fruit juices, nothing much is happening. Not everyone of us drink. I am going to church on Sunday so I will not drink, we just sit there and listen to music and recap on the events of the week”.
Thuli had only ever been to one social party/gathering that did not have family members and it did not go well, but she thought maybe it was time to let her hair down and try to live once again. She noticed that ever since the incident that happened when she was doing grade 10 she had died inside and she had lost interest in socialising, she had only been focusing in nothing else but her studies ever since. She had become uptight and she thought it was just not healthy for an 18 year old. “I will see what the girl say. If they agree then maybe we might come as well. No funny business kodwa ke Wanda.” “Oh come on, it is guys and girls from res, you know most of them”
Episode 59
Thuli told her friends about what she ad been talking about with Wanda and they all thought it would not be such a bad idea, it was not like they were required to get drunk or they were going to go away to some clubs. They were all just going to chill with the same people they see everyday at their res. On Saturday the girls did their laundry early in the morning and around 13:00 they saw that the guys were starting to get together. They decided to go join in as well.
It wasn’t a lot of people, and other people were from the surrounding flats but were also students. The girls mingled because they knew most of the people there. Thuli sat next to Wanda “I told you it was not a big deal” Wanda said to Thuli softly, Thuli nodded and they continued talking to everyone who was there. It was a lot of fun, they were sharing jokes and other stories. In no time Thuli felt at home and relaxed as the people were exactly her kind of company. Most people there thought she was such a delight.
When the gathering was done Thuli admitted to herself that she felt easy, the way she hadn’t in a long time. Being there with those people and having them eat from the palm of her hand with her stories reminded her of her times in high school and before high school. She admitted that she really needed to get a life. She remembered her high school English teacher who always said “it is no use to cry over spilt milk”. Life was moving on and she had to accept everything that was brought to her by life and just live like a normal 19 year old, instead of always be buried in books and having no life.
“Wanda can I go with you to church tomorrow?” that was Thuli first step at attempting to have a life as she was calling Wanda. Wanda was okay with that. Thuli put on her long skirt and long sleeve blousy as it was a bit chilly. When she was ready with her bible and her student diary Wanda knocked at her door. “Err… You are wearing that?” Wanda asked without thinking. Thuli wondered what was wrong with her clothes. “Yes, we are going to church, these are my church clothes.” Thuli had never been to church since she got there. “Okay if you say so…” Wanda said as he decided to let it go.
Thuli saw that people at church were mostly student and they wore pants and nice dresses, she felt like a rural girl. She swore within her that the next time she went to church she would look nice as well . After church Wanda invited her to his room “I cook full meal every Sunday, let’s go cook together.” Thuli was up for that as she did not have much to do back in her room.
Thuli had never stayed in Wanda’s room for longer than a minute so in this day it was going to be her first time. She looked around and saw that Wanda was really into cooking; he had taken out vegetables and some plastic containers whish he said were for salads. Thuli was impressed; she had never seen a guy who was that much into cooking. Herself was a great cook, Nomsa had taught her a lot about cooking and growing up with a nurse (Nomzi) she could cook healthy food, but on this particular day she was going be cooked for… by a guy.
Wanda: You never told me about your family, do you have any siblings? Let me guess, you are the first born
Thuli: Hahahahah I have one brother, and yes he is younger than me (she meant Ndudu), why do you think I am the first born?
Wanda: I have seen you, the way you are organised and always want to take care of others, you remind me of my older brother.
Once again Thuli was charmed. This Wanda guy was something else. Observing and adding one plus one like that. He was really good.
***Fast forward to 3 months later (August) *****
“You are still not ready?” Wanda said to Thuli as they were in his room on his bed, his shirt was off and she was fully dressed and having an annoyed look on her face. “Yes I am not” Thuli responded. “When will you be ready then?” he asked. Thuli did not know what she meant when she said she was not ready. It was not like she was not ready but having a guy touch her gave her creeps and for the past 2 months she had been learning to over come that fear and at least kiss her boyfriend with some feelings and not fear. When they first kissed before June holidays she had to fight the edge of running away as fast as she could. She just could not see how he would not hurt her in any way. But Wanda remained understanding even though he had no idea why she was behaving that way.
Thuli wondered if she will ever be ready. “I told you the situation at home is stressing me. Ndudu had to move and hire a place to live because living with malumekazi is unbearable. I can not be thinking about sex at this moment.” “Okay I understand, I did not mean to push you” Wanda said. Over the past month as Wanda had noticed that Thuli got really scared when he touched her he then reassured her every chance he got that “I would never hurt you and I will always be here to protect you” Thuli’s heart believed him but her mind kept telling her that Wanda was a man and all men hurt girls. Her mind could not let Wanda in no matter how hard her heart pleaded.
Deciding to date Wanda in the first place was part of her plans to start to live. She was still not drinking alcohol but she at least had a life, she went t church and attended church functions, her and the girls would go shopping at Sunnypark and sometimes Menlyn. She also got herself some nice clothes for church. She was really living. Being touched by a guy was just one thing she needed to work on. She knew she had a problem but decided that she would fix it herself instead of professional help.
Thuli had not been contacting Bonga as regular as before. They were both on mxit but rarely spoke to each other. “Go online, I have something to tell you” Thuli got an sms from Bonga and so she went on to mxit
Episode 60
Thuli: I got your sms
Bonga: Yes, remember the stuff I told you about Thami?
Thuli: Yes I remember, but I told you where I stand
Bonga: I understand how you feel, but there is hope. I managed to get hold of Thami’s cousin
Thuli: Oh really? And?
Bonga: Thami is still alive but lives in Cape Town, I know where his home is. I want to go there this December, but I can not do it by myself. It could be easier if we both go
Thuli: Bonga I can’t, sorry. This man has hurt so many people that we already know of. He has hurt me before I even knew him, only God knows how he can hurt me in person. No I can’t. Sorry.
Bonga: Please Thuli, fearing the unknown will not help you. You are not even sure he will hurt you. What if he will not?
Thuli: I am 19 years of age, the guy is alive; how come he has never tried to look for me? That alone should be enough to let you know that the man is bad news. No thanks!
…..
…..
…..
Bonga: dc, ltp (Disconnected, last text please)
Thuli: I said I am not going to go with you.
And that was it. Thuli even forced herself not to think about her mxit conversation with Bonga. She wanted to shutdown Thami completely out of her life.
In the meantime back at home at Umzimkhulu things were boiling up. Nomzi was living with her daughter Lulu. There were rumours that Nomzi was seen with other men even though she was still wearing her moaning clothes. But they were just rumours, Thuli hoped they were not true. Mam Lindi had never told Thuli about something like that so to Thuli it was not true. Ndudu on the other hand had to go hire a room next to his school and did not give his family a clear reason as to why he was doing that. He just said it was for the best. Thuli could not really do anything, Nomsa had ignored the situation, so did the uncles. So Thuli just encouraged Ndudu to study hard so he would make success for himself.
Back in school Thuli was still doing well. Her life was properly adjusted. She made sure she managed her time, cancelled social events when she had a test or sort of. Her books still came first. Wanda even started to complain that Thuli was not giving him enough time, they rarely ever just sit together as a couple, they always met on the hall way, would sit together on the school us, maybe see each other briefly in their rooms when the other is fetching something.
Thuli always came with excuses when she had to be one on one with Wanda for longer periods. In all reality Thuli was just feeling bad that she could not let herself love Wanda the way she could love him. She longed to be touched by a guy and would sometimes fantasize about what it would feel like. She assumed it would feel good because she had heard her friends talking about it. But whenever it came to being touched her whole body would get creeps and she would be tense and unable to relax, but she was doing her level best to over come it.
Thuli did not go home during September holidays, a lot of students from far provinces did not bother going home during 1st and 3rd breaks, Thuli was one of those. She did not like going to her home. In June when she had been there things were so tense with Nomzi that it was hard to even start cooking. Nomzi had just turned into a total stranger. Thuli felt so unwanted she even slept in the sitting room on the couch because Lulu was then occupying Thuli’s bed and the bedroom had been changed to suit Lulu.
Thuli stayed only a few days at her home and she went to Mthatha to her mother, even there it was just terrible, her mind had been so full of negativity towards her family that she only saw the bad things that were happening to her. Fighting with Nomsa had not changed, it just seemed to be worse. Luleka Langa, Nomsa’s step daughter was grown up but still treated Thuli like she was a visitor, eg when Thuli would attempt to cook Luleka would tell her “don’t worry Thuli, I’ll cook”. If Thuli tries to clean “Do not worry about it, I will do it” Luleka would say. She spent most of her time going around with Mluleki the boy twin on tat’ uLanga’s car. That and everything else was why she decided that she was not going to go home in September.
Wanda did not go home either during September holidays, the two of them had been going out since end of May and it had been 4 months. Wanda was Thuli’s very first boyfriend and she was still a virgin. During September holidays a lot of students went home and in their res Thuli was only used to Wanda and so she did not have much of a choice but to spend some time with him, she had no excuse because there were no tests to attend to.
Wanda did not push her into anything, it was Wanda’s second year in Pretoria, even though he was doing his first year at UP, so he was pretty much clued up. During their times together at res they would chip in to go watch movies or get takeaways (they chipped in because Thuli hated the idea of Wanda paying for everything. ). They went shopping together, they did stuff that reminded Thuli of Bonga back in high school when they were still really close and would go together to buy groceries. Wanda would sometimes go alone and bring Thuli some nice nices… The holiday seemed to be really short because they were having fun, Thuli was having fun.
On Saturday just 2 days before schools reopen Wanda had a crazy idea that the 2 of them should consume alcohol, but indoors. It would be so much fun he said. Thuli thought why the hell not, a lot of people her age were drinking alcohol, and having it just that one time would not turn her into an alcoholic. Wanda then went and bought Savanas for them to drink on Saturday. They were going to drink in his room
End of chapter 6